Sunday, February 20, 2011
SEXUAL PENALTIES - AN INCOMPLETE LISTING
Here is a listing of a man's "crimes" against his woman and the length of time until you can expect to wait to get any:
Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a chick flick. - 4 days
Using any expression other than making love to refer to sex. - 4 days
Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking about her mother - 5 days
Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's okay if you don't want to go". - 6 days
Shushing her during ESPN SportsCenter. - 8 days.
Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent 1.5 hours putting on looks. - 2 days
Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really cool police chase on TV. - 3 days
Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she asks you if you would ever cheat on her. - 12 days
Accusing her of having PMS when she doesn't - 8 days
When she does - 12 days
Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in Cosmopolitan. - 4 days
Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. - 6 days
Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a chick flick. - 4 days
Using any expression other than making love to refer to sex. - 4 days
Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking about her mother - 5 days
Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's okay if you don't want to go". - 6 days
Shushing her during ESPN SportsCenter. - 8 days.
Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent 1.5 hours putting on looks. - 2 days
Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really cool police chase on TV. - 3 days
Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she asks you if you would ever cheat on her. - 12 days
Accusing her of having PMS when she doesn't - 8 days
When she does - 12 days
Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in Cosmopolitan. - 4 days
Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. - 6 days
HARMON LEON: AN APPRECIATION
Here's to the genius of one Harmon Leon. Don't know who he is, but I've come to admire his insight on aggravating people who can't get back at him.
Enjoy Mr. Leon's legendary commentary.
______________________
It’s always good to make a new friend. Even if your “new friend” is a prison inmate. Writing letters to prison inmates can be a rewarding and often amusing pastime. Especially if the recipient is serving a life prison term. What are they going to do? Come to your house and kill you? Hell, no! They are in prison for life. L-I-F-E! Their job is to serve time for their crimes against society. So what the heck, have a good laugh at their expense. There’s a magazine called “Prison Life”, from which you can get the addresses of actual prisoners to correspond with. But remember – make sure the convicts you write to are serving life sentences, otherwise they just might come to your house and kill you!
Send an informal letter stating your desire to correspond with a member of the prison population. Wait for a reply. Your correspondence to a lifer might look like this:
S. C. Wardell
Inmate #469-91-8340
Leavenworth Federal Prison
Leavenworth, Kansas
Dear Mr. Wardell,
My name is Harmon Leon. I’ve never written to a prisoner before, but heck, I thought it might be an interesting opportunity. How is prison life? What’s the food like? Gosh, what an unfortunate break. Being jailed like an animal for life and all. Perhaps corresponding can be a pleasant oasis amid mundane prison life. Hopefully, you’ll write be back and through letters, we might become friends.
Your new friend,
Harmon Leon
Dear Harmon,
Thanks for your letter. Please, call me by my first name, Sal. Getting a message from the outside world really helps the long days pass much faster. I have to face up to the fact that I’m going to be in here for a very long time. It’s not easy. But I’m learning to handle myself. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. But what’s done is done. Now I have to pay my debt to society. The worst thing about prison is the complete loss of identity. I’m no longer an individual, but a number. I have no freedem whatsoever. As I sit in my cramped cell, I envy every person with freedem. Freedem is a beautiful thing. Freedem! Please write again. I look forward to your next letter.
Sincerely,
Sal Wardell
Inmate #469-91-8340
Leavenworth Federal Prison
Leavenworth, Kansas
Dear Prisoner #469-91-8340,
Before I start this letter, I must point out that you misspelled the word “freedom”. By no means is it spelled “f-r-e-e-d-e-m”. Ha! That’s a good one. Well, I guess misspelling the word “freedem” isn’t the first stupid mistake you’ve made in your life. Isn’t that right, Mr. LIFE IN PRISON?
Anyway, how’s everything else going? How’s the cell? How are the showers? Don’t drop that bar of soap! Ha ha ha! Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to walk down the street now and get a large ice cream cone. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe, instead, I’ll walk through a sunny meadow. Or go on a date. A date with a beautiful woman. Goodbye from the outside.
Sincerely,
Harmon “The Free Man” Leon
Harmon,
I thought writing to you would help find a little bit of humanity in this horrible world. I’d still like to continue writing, but please be sensitive to the fact that Iam never going to be leaving here.
Sal Wardell
Dear Prisoner #469-91-8340,
Well a bit snippy are we! You’re whining like a little girl. Is that what you are? A little girl? Do you have lavish hair of gold? And a matching pink Sunday dress? Huh, little girl? Oh, I’m sorry. Perhaps you want to come over to my house to discuss the matter further. Whoops! I forgot you’re in prison for LIFE. L-I-F-E! Well, I’m off now. Going to spend the rest of the afternoon at a local strip bar, watching live nude women “shake it” for the locals. Or maybe I’ll do something else of my own choosing. Who knows.
Greetings from the outside.
Sincerely,
Harmon “The Free Man” Leon
LEON,
It is now my life’s work to break out of this prison, track you down, and gut you like a deer. I’ll crush your head like a melon. You hear me? Like a melon!
Wardell
Dearest Mr. Wardell or “Sweetie”,
Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa! You’re in prison and I’m not! Nyaaa!
Best wishes from the outside,
Harmon “Not in Prison” Leon
It’s sad that in our society some individuals just have no hope for rehabilitation. But through our cards and letters, we can give these poor hardened criminals a faint glimmer of hope before extinguishing it forever.
MRS. POOPENPLATZ'S FAVORITE PUNCHLINES
…..and moans with the OTHER hand!
…and so Linda Lovelace said, “Wow, I could’ve had a V8!”
25 bucks, same as outside!
50 pounds and a black dress.
A bull with a cleft palate.
A clean bowling shirt!
A dirty cotton rocksucker!
A dry Martinez.
A frog in a blender.
A frog in a blender.
A hockey puck!
A hole in one!
A kid who spray paints his name on chain link fences.
A red snapper and whole lotta crabs!
A snowblower that doesn’t work.
A submarine!
A toilet doesn’t follow you around for months after you use it.
About 300 yen.
Abraham Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman!
Al Sharpton in a cuisinart.
An Italian suppository.
And it’s deep, too!
And so Vanna White says to Mother Theresa, "Bitch!”
April Fool!
Asthma? But I thought you said you would run away with me!
At a “straight” rodeo they yell “Ride them suckers!”
At your wedding, father!
Because everyone is always getting rear ended over there!
Because it had a little boogie in it.
Because sometimes the Bull WINS!
Billy just ate those raisins off that sticky brown paper!
Burt Reynolds, a potato and Richard Nixon.
But Franklin, I’m not even WEARING a gas mask!
By leaving the plunger in the toilet bowl!
C’mon Agnes, we don’t have all night - either swallow it or spit it out!
Calm down and be glad you didn’t play the piano.
Can we come in and watch her rot?
Cochise on rye!
Courtney Cox-Zucker!
Dalai Lama, Dolly Parton – there's a difference?
Do you think I should have said “DiMaggio”?
Don’t cry, lady, it wouldn’t have lived anyway; its eyes are too far apart!
Doritos!
Eating at the Y!
Every time we get in the shower together, she starts molting!
Farrah’s Fawcetts!
Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!
Frank SNOT-tra!
Gee, we put cream and sugar on ours!
Get off my back!
Getting a second opinion.
Good grief, can it whistle too?
Great! Now I’ll NEVER get that smell out!
Harelip!
He couldn’t pass the peach pit!
He must be fine, he stopped yellin’ yesterday!
Hey lady, don’t you have anything smaller?
Hey, Harry, I think we just got a lead on the guy who crapped in the bass tuba!
Hold on, let me get my hat.
How much for a season pass?
I can’t possibly take 68 more of those!
I did that already – you start back to work on Monday!
I didn’t want to wake the children.
I don’t know, but it had one goofy-looking brown eye!
I don’t know, but it’s eating my popcorn.
I don’t know, kid, there are so many places they could hide.
I don't care how hard-up you are, nobody masturbates to the Pottery Barn catalog.
I don't know, but it's on your left shoulder!
I hate to keep bothering you, but it makes my little boy laugh to hear you talk!
I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.
I knew if I waited long enough I’d get a hot meal!
I might fall in and get lost for days!
I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe.
I said “Two Test Tickles”, not “Two Testicles”!
I said “Vaseline” not “Gasoline”!
I think I’ll have the buffet.
I thought it was your butt – everything else is so high around here!
I thought you said “goat”!
I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.
I was so busy eating potatoes and listening to U2, I forgot to get drunk!
I was talking to the duck.
I’ll bet crowded elevators DO smell different to you!
I’m glad I didn’t do THAT one at the dinner table!
I’m going to start grazing, but you better brace yourself.
I’m going upstairs to get my teeth!
If this doesn’t work, come back and we’ll put you to sleep.
If you think that's good, wait till you see the floor show!
Immoral Porpoises!
In a pinch, you could eat the bowling ball.
In the morning I’ll be sober – but you’ll still be ugly!
Is it soup yet?
It opens on impact.
It tastes just like Spotted Owl, Your Honor.
It was stapled to the chicken!
It’ll never stand up in court.
It’s your turn in the barrel tonight.
I've got you fooled today, I'm not wearing any!
Jell-O shakes when you eat it.
Jerry’s Squids!
Jimmy Hoffa’s class ring!
Knocking Presbyterians into the water.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!
Listen, the baby just said half a word!
Look, Hans, no Ma!
Look, Honey, fresh out of the crate!
Lucille’s Balls!
Madam, that's not a fly in your soup – it's a tiny spool of pubic hair!
Make up your mind – I have to readjust the chair!
May I ask what the chicken did?
Maybe we should show him where the rocks are.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Porter!
Moby’s Dick!
Morty! I HAVE to, but you?
New Jersey got to choose first.
No you can’t just lick the bowl; flush it like everyone else!
No, but you'll find out what that thing is for!
No, thanks – I think one beer will be enough to kill the taste.
No, things go better with “Coke”.
No, we figured out what's causing it!
No, we have “Mutual of Omaha”.
No, we just use the camel to ride into town.
None of us could get the lid off the specimen cup.
Nope, but it sure slows her down.
Not another drum solo!
Not enough sand.
Not until we find a better place to bury daddy.
Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon’!
Of course I just farted! Do you think I smell like that ALL the time?
Oh no, some a-hole’s got my pen!
Ok, boys, coffee break’s over – back on your heads!
OK, now it's MY turn to cough!
Okay, whose nipples are whistling?
On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
One is a Nazi gasbag, the other blew up over Lakehurst, NJ in 1937!
Only two, but I don't know how they got in there!
Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Ouch! Take it out of the box first!
Pianist Envy!
Probably because it looks too much like a taco.
Rectum? It dang near killed ‘em!
Shall I wrap it or are you going to eat it here?
She opens the car door.
She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.
Shhh! They’re about to land!
Shorty’s Super Service Station.
Shut up and keep eating!
Shut up and stick your arm back in the meat grinder.
Six more weeks of basketball season.
So did I. I just didn’t think he would do it again.
So he pulls his pants down, bends over and says, “You tell me!”
So the bear wiped his ass with the bunny.
So the deaf could enjoy them, too!
So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician!
So they can look like their mothers!
So they’ll have someplace to park their bicycles.
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason!
Someone yelling “Bingo!”
Sure, let me hold your monkey!
Take off those crazy-looking pajamas and I’ll show you what I can do!
Tell that to Mrs. Truman!
Thanks, but I’ll fill my own canteen from now on!
That poor S.O.B. chose watermelons!
That wasn't Jamaican Gold – it was a pile of my bunion shavings!
That’s all the more for us, then!
That’s NOT my finger, Louanne!
That's no lady, that's Maury Povich!
That's no woman! That's my wife! My wife the circus gorilla!
The Amalgamated Association of Morons.
The cats bury them.
The one in the middle looked just like Willie Nelson!
The other half of Aunt Helen is still in the freezer!
Then why did you eat it?
Then you are a mile away and you have no shoes.
They always eat what they shoot.
They both shower after three periods!
They have three and a half inch floppies!
They’re both meat substitutes.
To hide the No-Pest Strips.
To impress Jodie Foster.
To keep the Cheerleaders from grazing.
To make her own bubbles in the bathwater.
To prove he had guts!
Tough day at the orifice?
Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Two! One to hide INSIDE the cardboard box and one to secrete!
Union Carbide!
Wait, I think I’m in the wrong joke.
Wanna go make out behind Fuddruckers?
We can save you, Ma’am, but I’m afraid the cowboy’s a goner!
We have very low ceilings.
We just want to float on his iron lung.
We want to use him for third base!
We’re arresting you for making an obscene clone fall!
Well captain, you told me to keep the cockpit clean!
Well, I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again!
Well, why don't you ask him? Maybe he'll let you!
What did you expect for 10 bucks – lobster?
What paté? This is my stool sample.
What? No foreplay?
Whatever you do, don’t look up!
Who cares?
Whoa! I don’t remember eating THAT!
With the Lawrence Welk Orchestra, the horns are in back and the a-hole’s in front.
Wow, Doc, you sure know how to fill a cavity!
Yentl Floss!
Yep, she's pregnant too!
Yes Custer was scared. Just look in his leather pants!
Yes, but in private and only for a donation.
You ate MY half!
You can’t let these things hatch!
You expect more from “Standard” – and you get it.
You know the rules – no arms, no cookies!
You know your hooks won’t hold the paddle.
You must have an awfully wide stance.
You should see how he makes the donut holes!
You should see how she keeps the hot dogs warm!
You should see me when I'm clog-dancing topless!
You should see what the steamroller just did to him.
You’re lettin’ in too much light!
You’re lickin’ the rug!
You’re right, it DOES feel like your wife’s butt!
Your name never came up.
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