HARMON LEON: AN APPRECIATION

Here's to the genius of one Harmon Leon.  Don't know who he is, but I've come to admire his insight on aggravating people who can't get back at him.

Enjoy Mr. Leon's legendary commentary.

______________________

It’s always good to make a new friend.  Even if your “new friend” is a prison inmate.  Writing letters to prison inmates can be a rewarding and often amusing pastime.  Especially if the recipient is serving a life prison term.  What are they going to do?  Come to your house and kill you? Hell, no!  They are in prison for life.  L-I-F-E!  Their job is to serve time for their crimes against society.  So what the heck, have a good laugh at their expense.  There’s a magazine called “Prison Life”, from which you can get the addresses of actual prisoners to correspond with.  But remember – make sure the convicts you write to are serving life sentences, otherwise they just might come to your house and kill you!

Send an informal letter stating your desire to correspond with a member of the prison population.  Wait for a reply.  Your correspondence to a lifer might look like this:

S. C. Wardell

Inmate #469-91-8340

Leavenworth Federal Prison

Leavenworth, Kansas

Dear Mr. Wardell,

My name is Harmon Leon.  I’ve never written to a prisoner before, but heck, I thought it might be an interesting opportunity.  How is prison life?  What’s the food like?  Gosh, what an unfortunate break.   Being jailed like an animal for life and all.  Perhaps corresponding can be a pleasant oasis amid mundane prison life.  Hopefully, you’ll write be back and through letters, we might become friends.

Your new friend,

Harmon Leon

Dear Harmon,

Thanks for your letter.  Please, call me by my first name, Sal.  Getting a message from the outside world really helps the long days pass much faster.  I have to face up to the fact that I’m going to be in here for a very long time.  It’s not easy.  But I’m learning to handle myself.  I’m not proud of what I’ve done.  But what’s done is done.  Now I have to pay my debt to society.  The worst thing about prison is the complete loss of identity.  I’m no longer an individual, but a number.  I have no freedem whatsoever.  As I sit in my cramped cell, I envy every person with freedem.  Freedem is a beautiful thing.  Freedem!  Please write again.  I look forward to your next letter.

Sincerely,

Sal Wardell

Inmate #469-91-8340

Leavenworth Federal Prison

Leavenworth, Kansas

Dear Prisoner #469-91-8340,

Before I start this letter, I must point out that you misspelled the word “freedom”.  By no means is it spelled “f-r-e-e-d-e-m”.  Ha!  That’s a good one.  Well, I guess misspelling the word “freedem” isn’t the first stupid mistake you’ve made in your life.  Isn’t that right, Mr. LIFE IN PRISON?

Anyway, how’s everything else going?  How’s the cell?  How are the showers?  Don’t drop that bar of soap!  Ha ha ha!  Well, that’s all for now.  I’m going to walk down the street now and get a large ice cream cone.  Or maybe I won’t.  Maybe, instead, I’ll walk through a sunny meadow.  Or go on a date.  A date with a beautiful woman.  Goodbye from the outside.

Sincerely,

Harmon “The Free Man” Leon

Harmon,

I thought writing to you would help find a little bit of humanity in this horrible world.  I’d still like to continue writing, but please be sensitive to the fact that Iam never going to be leaving here.

Sal Wardell

Dear Prisoner #469-91-8340,

Well a bit snippy are we!  You’re whining like a little girl.  Is that what you are?  A little girl?  Do you have lavish hair of gold?  And a matching pink Sunday dress?  Huh, little girl?  Oh, I’m sorry.  Perhaps you want to come over to my house to discuss the matter further.  Whoops!  I forgot you’re in prison for LIFE.  L-I-F-E!  Well, I’m off now.  Going to spend the rest of the afternoon at a local strip bar, watching live nude women “shake it” for the locals.  Or maybe I’ll do something else of my own choosing.  Who knows.

Greetings from the outside.

Sincerely,

Harmon “The Free Man” Leon

LEON,

It is now my life’s work to break out of this prison, track you down, and gut you like a deer.  I’ll crush your head like a melon.  You hear me?  Like a melon!

Wardell

Dearest Mr. Wardell or “Sweetie”,

Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa-Nyaa!  You’re in prison and I’m not!  Nyaaa!

Best wishes from the outside,

Harmon “Not in Prison” Leon

It’s sad that in our society some individuals just have no hope for rehabilitation.  But through our cards and letters, we can give these poor hardened criminals a faint glimmer of hope before extinguishing it forever.