…..and moans with the OTHER hand!
…and so Linda Lovelace said, “Wow, I could’ve had a V8!”
25 bucks, same as outside!
50 pounds and a black dress.
A bull with a cleft palate.
A clean bowling shirt!
A dirty cotton rocksucker!
A dry Martinez.
A frog in a blender.
A frog in a blender.
A hockey puck!
A hole in one!
A kid who spray paints his name on chain link fences.
A red snapper and whole lotta crabs!
A snowblower that doesn’t work.
A submarine!
A toilet doesn’t follow you around for months after you use it.
About 300 yen.
Abraham Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman!
Al Sharpton in a cuisinart.
An Italian suppository.
And it’s deep, too!
And so Vanna White says to Mother Theresa, "Bitch!”
April Fool!
Asthma? But I thought you said you would run away with me!
At a “straight” rodeo they yell “Ride them suckers!”
At your wedding, father!
Because everyone is always getting rear ended over there!
Because it had a little boogie in it.
Because sometimes the Bull WINS!
Billy just ate those raisins off that sticky brown paper!
Burt Reynolds, a potato and Richard Nixon.
But Franklin, I’m not even WEARING a gas mask!
By leaving the plunger in the toilet bowl!
C’mon Agnes, we don’t have all night - either swallow it or spit it out!
Calm down and be glad you didn’t play the piano.
Can we come in and watch her rot?
Cochise on rye!
Courtney Cox-Zucker!
Dalai Lama, Dolly Parton – there's a difference?
Do you think I should have said “DiMaggio”?
Don’t cry, lady, it wouldn’t have lived anyway; its eyes are too far apart!
Doritos!
Eating at the Y!
Every time we get in the shower together, she starts molting!
Farrah’s Fawcetts!
Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!
Frank SNOT-tra!
Gee, we put cream and sugar on ours!
Get off my back!
Getting a second opinion.
Good grief, can it whistle too?
Great! Now I’ll NEVER get that smell out!
Harelip!
He couldn’t pass the peach pit!
He must be fine, he stopped yellin’ yesterday!
Hey lady, don’t you have anything smaller?
Hey, Harry, I think we just got a lead on the guy who crapped in the bass tuba!
Hold on, let me get my hat.
How much for a season pass?
I can’t possibly take 68 more of those!
I did that already – you start back to work on Monday!
I didn’t want to wake the children.
I don’t know, but it had one goofy-looking brown eye!
I don’t know, but it’s eating my popcorn.
I don’t know, kid, there are so many places they could hide.
I don't care how hard-up you are, nobody masturbates to the Pottery Barn catalog.
I don't know, but it's on your left shoulder!
I hate to keep bothering you, but it makes my little boy laugh to hear you talk!
I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.
I knew if I waited long enough I’d get a hot meal!
I might fall in and get lost for days!
I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe.
I said “Two Test Tickles”, not “Two Testicles”!
I said “Vaseline” not “Gasoline”!
I think I’ll have the buffet.
I thought it was your butt – everything else is so high around here!
I thought you said “goat”!
I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.
I was so busy eating potatoes and listening to U2, I forgot to get drunk!
I was talking to the duck.
I’ll bet crowded elevators DO smell different to you!
I’m glad I didn’t do THAT one at the dinner table!
I’m going to start grazing, but you better brace yourself.
I’m going upstairs to get my teeth!
If this doesn’t work, come back and we’ll put you to sleep.
If you think that's good, wait till you see the floor show!
Immoral Porpoises!
In a pinch, you could eat the bowling ball.
In the morning I’ll be sober – but you’ll still be ugly!
Is it soup yet?
It opens on impact.
It tastes just like Spotted Owl, Your Honor.
It was stapled to the chicken!
It’ll never stand up in court.
It’s your turn in the barrel tonight.
I've got you fooled today, I'm not wearing any!
Jell-O shakes when you eat it.
Jerry’s Squids!
Jimmy Hoffa’s class ring!
Knocking Presbyterians into the water.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!
Listen, the baby just said half a word!
Look, Hans, no Ma!
Look, Honey, fresh out of the crate!
Lucille’s Balls!
Madam, that's not a fly in your soup – it's a tiny spool of pubic hair!
Make up your mind – I have to readjust the chair!
May I ask what the chicken did?
Maybe we should show him where the rocks are.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Porter!
Moby’s Dick!
Morty! I HAVE to, but you?
New Jersey got to choose first.
No you can’t just lick the bowl; flush it like everyone else!
No, but you'll find out what that thing is for!
No, thanks – I think one beer will be enough to kill the taste.
No, things go better with “Coke”.
No, we figured out what's causing it!
No, we have “Mutual of Omaha”.
No, we just use the camel to ride into town.
None of us could get the lid off the specimen cup.
Nope, but it sure slows her down.
Not another drum solo!
Not enough sand.
Not until we find a better place to bury daddy.
Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon’!
Of course I just farted! Do you think I smell like that ALL the time?
Oh no, some a-hole’s got my pen!
Ok, boys, coffee break’s over – back on your heads!
OK, now it's MY turn to cough!
Okay, whose nipples are whistling?
On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
One is a Nazi gasbag, the other blew up over Lakehurst, NJ in 1937!
Only two, but I don't know how they got in there!
Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Ouch! Take it out of the box first!
Pianist Envy!
Probably because it looks too much like a taco.
Rectum? It dang near killed ‘em!
Shall I wrap it or are you going to eat it here?
She opens the car door.
She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.
Shhh! They’re about to land!
Shorty’s Super Service Station.
Shut up and keep eating!
Shut up and stick your arm back in the meat grinder.
Six more weeks of basketball season.
So did I. I just didn’t think he would do it again.
So he pulls his pants down, bends over and says, “You tell me!”
So the bear wiped his ass with the bunny.
So the deaf could enjoy them, too!
So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician!
So they can look like their mothers!
So they’ll have someplace to park their bicycles.
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason!
Someone yelling “Bingo!”
Sure, let me hold your monkey!
Take off those crazy-looking pajamas and I’ll show you what I can do!
Tell that to Mrs. Truman!
Thanks, but I’ll fill my own canteen from now on!
That poor S.O.B. chose watermelons!
That wasn't Jamaican Gold – it was a pile of my bunion shavings!
That’s all the more for us, then!
That’s NOT my finger, Louanne!
That's no lady, that's Maury Povich!
That's no woman! That's my wife! My wife the circus gorilla!
The Amalgamated Association of Morons.
The cats bury them.
The one in the middle looked just like Willie Nelson!
The other half of Aunt Helen is still in the freezer!
Then why did you eat it?
Then you are a mile away and you have no shoes.
They always eat what they shoot.
They both shower after three periods!
They have three and a half inch floppies!
They’re both meat substitutes.
To hide the No-Pest Strips.
To impress Jodie Foster.
To keep the Cheerleaders from grazing.
To make her own bubbles in the bathwater.
To prove he had guts!
Tough day at the orifice?
Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Two! One to hide INSIDE the cardboard box and one to secrete!
Union Carbide!
Wait, I think I’m in the wrong joke.
Wanna go make out behind Fuddruckers?
We can save you, Ma’am, but I’m afraid the cowboy’s a goner!
We have very low ceilings.
We just want to float on his iron lung.
We want to use him for third base!
We’re arresting you for making an obscene clone fall!
Well captain, you told me to keep the cockpit clean!
Well, I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again!
Well, why don't you ask him? Maybe he'll let you!
What did you expect for 10 bucks – lobster?
What paté? This is my stool sample.
What? No foreplay?
Whatever you do, don’t look up!
Who cares?
Whoa! I don’t remember eating THAT!
With the Lawrence Welk Orchestra, the horns are in back and the a-hole’s in front.
Wow, Doc, you sure know how to fill a cavity!
Yentl Floss!
Yep, she's pregnant too!
Yes Custer was scared. Just look in his leather pants!
Yes, but in private and only for a donation.
You ate MY half!
You can’t let these things hatch!
You expect more from “Standard” – and you get it.
You know the rules – no arms, no cookies!
You know your hooks won’t hold the paddle.
You must have an awfully wide stance.
You should see how he makes the donut holes!
You should see how she keeps the hot dogs warm!
You should see me when I'm clog-dancing topless!
You should see what the steamroller just did to him.
You’re lettin’ in too much light!
You’re lickin’ the rug!
You’re right, it DOES feel like your wife’s butt!
Your name never came up.
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